Bubbletoes
by justplainrii
Summary: An afternoon with Light and L, involving undressing of the mind, discussion of pornography, and a very flustered Yagami.  Done to see if I was capable of crack!slash.    Rated T for L's frankness.


Light sat in his room, bored and reading a book, the handcuffs that attached him to L at all times jingling every once in a while. 

L, coincidentally, was sitting hunched in an opposite chair, staring at the floor and occasionally shifting his toes as one would twiddle their thumbs, a barely noticeable expression of happiness on his mouth, and his thumb perched under his upper lip.

To Light, the fixed expression on his face was rather unnerving; although he was used to the penetrating stares that L was apt to give just about anyone, it seemed to be a little bit...more unsettling than usual, and it seemed he was strangely interested in something other than the carpeted floor.

Light sighed and folded the book over his finger to keep his place, and glanced towards the door on the side of the wall; Misa was in her room, blasting J-pop through her stereo system that was just barely audible through her door; she was putting on makeup or some other strange girl-ritual that Light was completely unfascinated with. At least it was to him; for a brief moment, Light imagined that it was perhaps what had L staring so intently at the floor with that strange little grin. It seemed a little bit odd, though; L seemed more of the type to be thinking about how to catch Kira, or maybe perhaps sweets.

Light sighed again; he was sick of hearing Ayumi Hamasaki's muted voice being the only sound in the room, so some conversation, he supposed, was a good idea. "Hey, Ryuuzaki," he said.

"Yes?" L replied, not looking up.

"What in the world's got you so interested in the floor?" he asked, a hint of a chuckle in his voice. "Kira got you thinking again?"

"I'm undressing you with my mind, actually," L replied, looking up at him. Instantly, Light was a bit disturbed, and would have gotten out of his chair in surprise had the chain not existed to link them together, and prevent him from moving.

"You're _what?!_" he exclaimed in horror.

"Undressing you with my mind," L replied, his smile growing faintly bigger. "From what I've deduced in your behavior, Light-kun, there is a 75 percent chance that you have a tight stomach that would be desirable to most women."

"E-excuse me!" Light said, blushing slightly. "How would you know what my stomach's like? Why do you care, anyways?"

"From your exercise schedule every morning, and your previous training in sports; not to mention your current, clothed appearance," L explained, his smile becoming quite cheeky, "I deduced such facts, Light-kun. Considering I've respected your privacy thus far and let you bathe and shower in private and have thus not had the chance to see you in a shirtless state, it is a rather accurate estimate. It is something to be quite flattered by, don't you think?

As for my interest, well..." He trailed off and looked at the ceiling for a moment, as if an interesting specimen of bug had landed there, his mouth open in an expression of mild amusement. Light stared at him disgustedly.

"Is this some perverse way for you to..." he began, but couldn't quite bring himself to say anything relevant.

"A perverse way for me to sexually arouse myself? Not so," L replied, looking at him once again. Light felt himself grow a little red in embarrassment at L's frankness.

"Then what in the world are you doing it for?" Light demanded. L was silent for a long time, a blank look on his face.

"Pure curiosity," he replied, finally. "It's human nature to wonder at what others hide, isn't it? You are quite secretive about your appearance, so I am simply wondering at what you are trying to hide."

"Secretive...?" Light said, but L didn't reply, continuing to stare at him. "Would you _stop_ that?" Light said annoyedly.

"Stop what? I'm not doing anything," L replied honestly. Light sighed.

"Never mind, then!" he huffed, and returned to his book. There was near-silence once more as he turned a page.

"You know, from my deductions, there is a 76 percent chance that you have a well-defined gluteou-" L began, but Light refused to let him continue.

"There you go again!" Light shouted, abruptly closing his book. "What is it with you and my body?"

"I already said, I'm just curious. Tell me, is my guess accurate?" L said.

"Why in the world should I tell you?" Light said, curling his lip in disgust.

"Well, I suppose it would be something Misa-san would also like to know," L said, glancing in the direction of Misa's room. "After all, she  
_ is_ your girlfriend, and your bodily image would be of great importance to her, I believe. Tell me, has she ever seen you in a state of undress?"

"Eh...I don't think...wait, why in the world am I telling you?" Light said. "Why are you even caring about what's important to Misa, of all people? Ryuuzaki, just shut up, all right?"

"No need to get defensive, I'm just asking a question," L replied, looking at the floor once again. He was silent again, twiddling his toes a little. Light watched him for a brief moment.

"What are you thinking about, now? The size of my penis or something?" Light said nastily.

"No, I'm thinking about Kira, now," L replied simply. Light blushed in embarrassment. "My goodness, Light-kun, you have quite a perverted mind."

"Oh, and you're calling me perverted?" Light said.

"I am not calling you yourself perverted, just your mind," L said, and returned to staring at the floor.

Light glared at L in annoyance, and then mysteriously found himself wondering what L looked like without his shirt on; considering the previous conversation, it seemed rather relevant.

He couldn't quite tell whether or not L was fit or not underneath his shirt; he wasn't fat, if anything. He never saw L display any sort of physical fitness, outside of the painful kicks he had sometimes received during their boughts of fighting and the splendid tennis match they had shared when college began. From his posture and penchant for sweets, he wouldn't be in _that_ good shape, Light thought; perhaps he was just skinny. Perhaps he was malnourished, too? That could have been the case, since Light had never seen L eat or anything without sugar, and almost nothing otherwise healthy.

"You're undressing me, aren't you?" L said suddenly.

"Huh? Who said I was?" Light replied, a bit shocked.

"You're looking me up and down. Therefore, there is a 60 percent chance that you are. I refuse to take of my shirt for you, so you might confirm your findings," he stated. "That would indeed make a mess of my handcuffs."

"Who said I wanted to see you shirtless in the first place?" Light said. "My God, Ryuuzaki, have some shame."

L looked at him again bemusedly, and proceeded to gnaw on his thumbnail. Light sighed, when words slipped out of his mouth, simply through curiosity.

"Ryuuzaki, why in the world do you eat so much candy?" he asked.

"Where in the world did this come from?" L asked.

"...just curious; it's a bit odd, don't you think?" Light replied, a bit sheepishly.

"Candy fufills my sexual urges," L replied candidly.

"Wh-what?!" Light replied, completely not expecting an answer such as that.

"Sugar has always somehow quelled my libido; eating it to me is almost orgasmic," he explained, his face a portrait of seriousness.

"...how is that even possible?" Light said.

"Even I am not quite sure..." replied L.

"I think you're confusing sexual hunger with physical, Ryuuzaki," Light said, a bit skeptically.

"Really?" L said, a curious expression on his face. "I never thought of it that way; whenever I am hungry, I eat food, and it does not cause any changes within me. Sugar so happens to bring me sensual pleasure."

"So sugar turns you on?" Light asked.

"If what you mean by that is that I'm aroused by thinking about or digesting sugar, then no, I am not," L replied. "I don't believe that's ever happened before."

"Then... how in the world can you say that it 'quells your sexual urges'?" Light said. "This is... really confusing and... and a bit awkward."

"Yes, quite," L said, and sat in thought for a moment. "I suppose that, for once, my logic isn't quite connecting... Strange."

"Well, umm... what does it..." Light said nervously, trying to help, "...what does it _feel_ like?"

L thought for a good long while, his facial expressions changing rapidly from delight, to confusion, and back again.  
"It feels..." L began, and was quiet for a moment. "It feels like immersing yourself in a hot bath, and my limbs..._ tingle_, quite nicely."

A cheeky, overjoyed grin appeared on his face, and Light thought the facts over a little bit. L was being too serious about this to be pulling his leg, but the symptoms seemed _much _too odd to be true.

"Chocolate raises your endorphine levels, maybe you're... somehow, _really_ sensitive to that?" Light suggested after a while, trying to make some sense of it.

"Hmm, an interesting proposition, Light-kun," said L. "I wonder if that would be the case? In any way, I do not think such a thing can be measured medically, but perhaps at my next physical, I should ask my physician and perhaps have my blood tested for such a thing."  
There was a slight silence again.

"So...you've never gotten turned-on by porn?" Light asked.

"Pornographic materials? Not at all," L replied. "The naked human form is fascinating, but not an object of sexual pleasure to me. The same goes for the act of sexual intercourse; I find the whole matter wholly disgusting at times, the way people misuse it. It must be very messy and quite bothersome, from my point of view."

He looked at Light and chewed on his thumb thoughtfully, musing over his small monologue.

"Uh-huh," Light said uneasily. "So, um... what turns you on? Like, really? There's got to be something, you know; I mean, it can't be candy..."

L stared at him and didn't give an answer, so Light continued.

"I mean... come on, Ryuuzaki, you're around my age, right? And you've _never_ found anything that gets your attention... you know, _that_ way?" he said, somewhat embarrassed; he felt like he was talking to a 8-year-old boy that still thought girls had "cooties."

"Not that I can say," L replied. "Do you really think, Light-kun, it would be in my interests, though? I am a very busy detective; I'm much more preoccupied with my cases than with sexually fulfilling myself."

"Yeah, that is true..." Light concluded.

"Also, I grew up in an environment where sexual self-exploration was downright impossible," L added, chuckling a little. "Only in recent years have I been able to somewhat experience such things as a 'girly mag' or whatnot. I suppose you've had such freedoms, Light-kun?"

"Yeah, I guess," Light replied.

"Do you enjoy pornography, Light-kun?" asked L. Light shrugged, his face turning slightly pink.

"I guess... it depends on what kind it is," he replied.

"As in mediums? Do you prefer printed material, photographs, or video?" L said.

"I guess I like reading... wait, why in the world am I telling you?" Light began, then stopped himself yet again; why in the world was he spilling his guts about his sex life, anyway?

"I'm not the one to say; you are the one answering my questions," L replied simply. Light was silent for a good long while.

"Wait, does that mean you've... tried _all_ three kinds?" Light asked.

"All three kinds of _what_, Light-kun?" L asked.

"Er... pornography," Light replied.

"Ah, that... yes, indeed, I have, Light-kun," L said. "Even if it doesn't serve its intended purpose with me, I find it somewhat amusing."

"Ahh..." Light said, at a loss for words for a moment. "Umm... you're somewhat older than me, right?"

"Light-kun, I assure you, my age is of little importance in this matter, but I am indeed somewhat older than you," he said.

"Well... you've experienced the _real_ thing, have you?" he said nervously, and L stared back at him. For a moment, Light was nervous that  
he had somehow struck a nerve.

"On the contrary," L replied. "I must admit, I haven't had contact with a woman's genitals outside of when I left the womb, Light-kun."

"Er... so you're a virgin?"

"If you should put it that way," L said. "As I said, intercourse does not interest me at all."

"Right, so... porn doesn't do it for you, and neither does candy, or... the... real... thing..." Light said, his voice lowering rather abashedly at the end of the sentence. He placed his hand on his chin. "Er... then, is it flowers?" he added, jokingly.

"No, not in the least," L replied.

"I was making a joke," Light said, frowning. "Man, this is really strange... is it possible that you're asexual or something?"

"Perhaps," L said, thoughtfully gazing at the ceiling. "Or, perhaps I am not, and I simply haven't found what I am physically attracted to in a person."

"I don't see what it could be, Ryuuzaki," Light said, thinking for a bit. "Wait... you're not gay, are you?"

"No," L replied, and Light breathed a subconscious sigh of relief. "Ahh, what was that, Light-kun?"

"What was what?" Light replied.

"A small sigh. I heard it after I stated that I was not gay," L replied. "Do you not trust homosexuals, Light-kun?"

"Er... no! It's just...we're getting off the subject!" Light said, turning his back to L; he was beginning to tire of this strange conversation.

"That's perfectly fine, Light-kun," L's voice said, wafting over his chair. "It is human nature to fear what we do not understand."

Light said nothing, stewing in his own metaphorical juices, until he heard a small humming noise behind him; L was singing a song, of sorts.

"Tiddly-tiny-toesy-toes, all the way up to your nosey-toes, silly-song-posey-or-rosey-toes, pink-and-like-squidgy-toesy-toes..."

"What in the world are you going on about?" Light asked, glancing back to see L twiddling his toes yet again.

"Coming up with a nursery rhyme, I suppose," L replied. "Is that unusual?"

Light shrugged. "Who am I to say?"

There was a long silence as L hummed another tune, this one without words, a happy-hum.

"Maybe you're into toes, Ryuuzaki," Light joked; he had noticed how L had a habit of gnawing on his thumb, and disliked wearing socks  
or shoes, but it couldn't possibly mean anything other than a simple habit.

"You know, Light-kun, perhaps I am," L replied.

"What? I was kidding!" Light said, jumping out of his chair to see L playing with his left big toe rather fascinatedly.

"There's always something I like about my toes, perhaps that's why I subconsciously play with them all the time..." L said. "Something strangely endearing about them."

"Okay, I've had enough," Light said annoyedly, and began to look for something to listen to, _other_ than L.

"Why, thank you for aiding me in my journey towards sexual awakening," L said, in all seriousness. "Would you like me to return the favor  
by purchasing some erotic novels for you, perhaps?"

"I'm not _listening_...!" Light said, reaching his mp3 player and shoving the earbuds in.

"Just a suggestion," L said, a cheeky grin on his face; he had Light completely wound up, which was always delightfully amusing. He then returned to composing odes to his toes, when Misa came in, finished with her makeup and wanting to play with Light.

Meanwhile, the entire team had been watching through the cameras, and couldn't decide whether or not they should burst out laughing, or  
wrinkle their brows in confusion.


End file.
